I have had the roughest hardest year of my entire life.  Yeah I know its sounds melodramatic but it is the truth.  Last year on October 12, 2005 my husband and I separated.  At that point I did not want to get divorced and wanted to try to work things out.  I filed for divorce after I found out that he got his girl friend pregnant.  That was a real rough blow since he and I had been trying to get pregnant for three years.  They got married less than two weeks after the divorce was finalized and only four days before their baby was born.  That didn't help anything at all either.  They didn't even tell Alauna that they were getting married. 

 I was happy for four short months when Mike and I were together.  But out of nowhere he disappeared for a week and found a new girlfriend during that time.  He couldn't even be and adult and talk to me about it, instead his new girlfriend told me over the two way where every one including my daughter could hear her bad mouthing me.  So that is heart break two for the year but it gets worse.  Within a week of breaking up with Mike I found out that I was pregnant by him.  I was happy about that, I thought it would be cool that both my kids had the same dad.  I quit smoking, changed my diet to a healthy one, made sure I got enough rest and took my prenatals.  But no that wasn't meant to be either.  On October 12, 2006, exactly a year to the day that I lost my husband, I had a miscarriage.  I was and still am completely devastated.  I am not functioning well, not eating, not sleeping and barely living at all.  I am trying to go through the motions and I am trying to get caught up in my homework but my heart isn't in it. 

Any way I am done writing for now but I have more thoughts I want to write down that I will get to later.

Well, two weeks from now Michael will be out and we will be spending the day together as a family at the zoo.  I am really looking forward to it!  I am also looking forward to a week off.  This week is the last full week of the semester and next week is finals week!  Then I get a full week off before I start my internship on May 16th.  I am sure that I will be busy that week cleaning my house and spending time with Michael. 

This weekend is going to be a busy one.  Thursday we are heading to Lansing to stay the night at Melissa's and Friday Alauna has a field trip to the capital and state museum.  Then saturday we have a soccer game in the morning, I have an appointment to see Michael and then I am heading to Buchanen to visit Melanie.  Good thing none of my finals are cumulative and I have a good handle on the materials because I will not have any time to study!

Well, life seems to get better and better as each day goes by.  The weather is getting warmer, the sun is shining more now than a week ago and I have been enjoying walking to class.  We are now down to 33 days until Michael gets home and I can't wait.  I am looking forward to talking to him on the phone tomorrow and even more so to seeing him on Saturday.  It is wonderful to be in love again and even more wonderful to be able to share my faith with the one I love.  I am at complete peace about this relationship and I pray every day for God's Grace to abound over our lives and to continue to bless us.  I am looking forward to being able to go to church with Michael at my side.  I still have some concerns about our relationship but I am sure they will fade in time.  I am scarred from some of my past relationships with men thay may not have been physically abusive but instead were emotionally manipulative.  I continue to pray for healing and I continue to try to work through it with God's help.  It has also been helpful to be able to talk to Michael about it so I know he is not walking into this blind. 

The service at church today was awesome! Pastor Tony spoke briefly about prayer and how we were instructed to pray.  Many people don't  realize that the Lord's Prayer is only an outline for us to use and not something to repetitively rattle off.  We are to begin our prayer with worship "our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name" God is Holy, our provider and deserves our thanks and worship.  "thy kingdom come thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven"  we are to subject ourselves to His will and his bidding, we are to surrender ourselves to him as he is boss of our lives "give us this day our daily bread" only after we thank him for his blessings and surrender ourselves to him are we in the proper position to ask for what we need, "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us"  a reminder that forgiveness is a two way street, how can we expect forgiveness when we are burdened with an unforgiving heart! "and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil"  God wants us to seek him and he will protect us, the Holy Spirit that reisides with in all who are born again will guide us if we will allow it.  We need just listen to that small quiet voice that speaks volumes if we just take the time to heed what is said.  The rest of the service we did nothing but worship.  It was powerful and left me recharged even more than I was when I walked in.